you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
