paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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