someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
