she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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