I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
