turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need to align my fucking chakras
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
