Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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