friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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