Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
