made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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