On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
