on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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