we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
