Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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