did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
