I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
