Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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