checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
