I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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