Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
