So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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