there's paper in my vomit.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I did not marry a roomba.
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