I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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