Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
