i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do herpes really smell.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
