Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
