i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
