I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just high enough for therapy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
