I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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