My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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