I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
