Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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