i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
