i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
