someone threw a dead crab at me
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
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He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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