Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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