Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
