Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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