I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
