I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just forgot I was standing up.
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