I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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