Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...