I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
