She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize