I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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