I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
