I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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