you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
