I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
