The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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