How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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