This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
