I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
