So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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