I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
