I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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