i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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