My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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