Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
