Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
